Not Now, But Soon...

I don't even think anyone besides me comes here anymore...which is fine. I'm back in Philly, New York not far behind me. I'm still not sure if it was worth it, almost two years of struggle, trying times, loss of self, loss of my best friend...but I'll take it as a learning lesson, as to whom I don't want to be, or where I want to be.

I can't look back. I can't dwell. I can't.

So, since I've become so less than eloquent over the years. I let songwriters speak for me. So below, a fave, Imogen Heap...with a song, surprisingly from the Heroes soundtrack, "Not Now, But Soon."

NOT NOW, BUT SOON

Not now, but soon,
The most beautiful light
Will wake us to pillow fighting excitement

Not now, but soon,
Bright into
Every corner,
Satellites maneuver in beams of change,

Standing by the best days of our lives,
Magnificent, the best days of our lives,
Big bang boom, the best days of our lives
They're coming right up
If we can just get through this one.

Who said it was over?
It's as good as it gets
Well we've got a few tricks up our sleeves yet

If we swallow "it's all over" and open wide on these make-to-believe
Sullen, chewed up, sodden soliloquies,
Oh, we're sweet nothings anymore

Terrifying best, days of our lives
We're hanging on the best days of our lives
No two ways about it, best days of our lives
They're coming right up, if we can just get through this one.

I'll hang on grab onto your feet
Someone else holds tied to my shoelaces
When their trouser leg tears, runs and stops at the seam to keep us
dangled together
Until help finds us here

Best days of our lives
Better be the best days of our lives
Bring on the best days of our lives
Coming right up, woah
Coming right up
If we can just get through this one.

If I can just get through this time, I know it'll be okay...god, it's hard though, especially when I was hardly brave enough to tell the bulk of my friends I was leaving NYC. Then again, most of the time I spent in New York, especially towards the end, was in the absence of said friends.

Life is too busy, people have their own things...their own lives, and sometimes, we forget that. I know I did at times...it's just a relief to be done with that now. I'm home, looking for a job, but with family, and I won't be forgotten. Blood doesn't forget. And frankly, I need to not be forgotten. Got a little hairy in NYC towards the end. I felt like I was disappearing, and I kind of wanted to.

Divine from that what you will. I'm making a full recovery now.

Re: Stacks

Got nothing else right now to say...still mulling, still gestating...still finding my way, but rewatched the season finale of House tonight..and wow, powerful:

Re: STACKs by Bon Hiver

This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed



I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground



There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me

So...long time, no long pier, eh?

Hello Again.

So thanks to the inspiration of a new friend and temp in the trenches (thanks, Alexis!), I decided that it was time to kick start this enterprise again, and I say enterprise, mainly, because I'm going to see Patrick Stewart at BAM on Saturday for Macbeth! (Don't worry, the bad puns never stop)

And thank you to Nate and Jenny for making that happen. It's been a time since I last posted in October. Many things have happened, and many things have not. I think I thought moving to NYC would somehow kill my inertia. It hasn't. I am one for comfort, and I get comfortable very easily where I am. Though I must say, my previous job did move me to take drastic measures for change.

For those who did not know, recruiting is essentially a sales position in the division of Human Resources, at least at my last employer's business ("The Place That Shall Not Be Named or Spoken Of...EVER!" -- except when my former co-workers and I bitch over a pitcher of margaritas)

I was taken rather aback by that and on Christmas Day (or as I like to recall, "Independence Day"), I could not take the misery of that grindfest anymore. I left a VM (I know, tacky) for my pseudo-non-manager manager, and gave my notice.

So since then, I had spent at least three weeks completely freaking out and unemployed, but in the third week of January, I found at least a temporary place to call home...and work. Budget Travel.

Sorry, folks, that's all I'm going to write for now...Project Runway is calling.

More interesting posts, w/ humor and the like, and the interesting goings on (I am going on a date on Friday) to follow.

How can this be...adolescence again?

I don't know what's going on. I have a stupid teenage-ish crush on a boy, I'm depressed about friends leaving, a feeling I haven't had since I was in high school. I cry without wanting to or without reason at different times. I'm homesick. I feel so out of place. I'm 30...and this is bullshit.

I don't know. I just don't. It hurts and it's scary, and I may be running away soon.

Please just tell me...

Who else is in a state of may be, might be...could be...moving from NYC...I'll take it like a man...I promise. I'd just like to know before it happens...or maybe happens....whatever...I'm overreacting a little I know, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in some bad horror movie where instead of people being dispatched, they're being reassigned to new lives...elsewhere.

Crap, and realized tonight that the growth and maturity it took to get me back to NYC is the same that's taking these people to their new awesome opportunities. I can't even begrudge...and those who know me, know that the begrudgement part is one of my faves.

OK, venting over. Love you guys, and you all should know who you are (or might be).

No words...

I'm sad now, and I can't find the words. He's gone.

A Good Start...

So I bought the new cd by Maria Taylor (formerly of Azure Ray) last night, and I have kind of been taken by the first song on the album. It's called "Good Start" and I don't know...it just speaks to me a bit, where I am now and all that.

By the by, I could not be happier, I spent last night drinking with Leah in a garden setting on the LES and had insanely good brick oven pizza with Ann, Pete & Dave tonight. Two red letter days. And only two days 'til the weekend, during which I am determined to brunch like it's my job:

A Good Start

You're one with the burden of intuition
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare
You're one with the best friend you lost you wish was still there

You're one with the dust on that old piano
You're one with the strings on your new guitar
You're one with the wind through the open window, you are

It was a faint line
That brought you here
And a pulse that kept you in time
It was the comfort of a tradition
But the fear that you were not that kind

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up, and pick you up

You're one with the echoes of conversation
You're one with the strangers you overheard
You're one with the lesson that was the best one you learned

It was a faint line that brought you here and a pulse that kept you in time
It was the comfort of a tradition but the fear that you were not that kind
But you are

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up, and pick you up

It was a long dark sleepy morning walk, you fell down face to the ground
It was a good start, it was a good start
It was a long dark sleepy morning walk, you fell down face to the ground
It was a good start, it was a good start

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down as the one that's gonna pick you up
And it's a shame now, baby, you can't separate yourself from where you stood
And it's the same world, honey, made you feel so bad as the one that made you feel so good, feel so good.

You can find this song online for free download...if you seek it out, I think you'll like it.